Child Wanted
by Sara-KatieGrissom
Summary: The pain of miscarriage is unbelievable and it will divide Grissom and Sara. Can they go through it together or will it drive them apart?


Child Wanted

Disclaimer: I don't own anything of CSI

Spoilers: Living Doll and Leaving Las Vegas

Post Double Cross

Grissom looked at Sara as she made the bed, looking down at the sheet she stopped.

"GIL GRISSOM!"

"What?"

Sara turned to see him and pulled up the sheet, pen stains showed.

"Pen can't come out of these sheets, food can but pen can't! I told you not to do paperwork in bed."

"Sara are you alright? Honey you're more crankier then usual, are you on your period?"

"NO, why is it any of your business if I was!"

"I'm going to get a shower, please be back to the Sara I know."

"NO!"

"No what?"

"I mean I haven't finished cleaning the bathroom yet."

"Sara you haven't cleaned the bathroom at all today. What's in there that you don't want me to find?"

"Nothing!"

"Then I'm taking a shower!"

He went to the bathroom and Sara sat on the half made bed, knowing the object in the bathroom would ruin their relationship...like it had before.He came back out with a small stick, looking at Sara as she sat on the bed, back to him.

"How many weeks this time?"

"Seven! I can't do it, I can't get an abortion. It's killing a part of me, part of us both."

"Sara you can't have a child. The past two miscarriages have proven that. She said due to the abuse of your father, you can't carry a child, your uterus is too weak. I can't do it again, I won't sacrifice you, I won't risk loosing you again. She told you that the best thng was to get an abortion the next time."

Sara turned to look at him, her eyes were watery.

"You try laying there as they take something you created out of you. I'd rather suffer another miscarriage then allow them to pull it out of me. Atleast it'd be natural and not medical. What about science? Not to destroy life!"

"You bled out once, almost two blood transfusions. The second time, they almost had to hospitalize you."

"Gil, you have no idea how I feel each time I miscarry, but I'd rather that then have an abortion."

"Sara I won't loose you."

"Then don't, walk away from me. Atleast then you won't have to loose me."

"I'd never leave you, I won't walk away after almost two years. The last two miscarriages have affected me as well. I sat there listening to the fact that I can't have a family with you, the woman I love. I can't see our son or daughter run screaming across the yard or see you tuck them in. I have to live with the fact that anytime we do get pregnant, we have to destroy the life we created, the child that comes from our love. Don't think this doesn't affect me, I have to watch you cry, the one thing I hate doing."

"I'm not getting an abortion, I'll either let myself miscarry or I'll give birth, but I won't have an abortion."

"And if it's stillborn, we'll have a child to bury."

"Atleast we can say we had a child."

"Sara...I have to have a say in this!"

"No you don't, by law you have no say."

"This is my child too."

"Oh so there is a child involved now and not just a pregnancy?"

"I'd rather loose every child then you!"

"Why don't I just get a hysterectomy?"

"If it will save your life!"

"You know what, I won't do this. Either we end this and you get over the fact that I'm going on with this pregnancy till I miscarry or I give birth or I'm ending it."

"Ending what?"

"This, us!"

"Sara don't do this!"

"This is important to me Gil, can't you see that?"

"I know but this time you couldn't be so lucky."

"So that's your stance, an abortion?"

"Yes!"

"God you are an asshole. It's over."

Sara went out of the room and he followed, she opened her apartment door.

"Get out!"

"Sara don't do this."

"Get out or I'll call Brass, I mean it Grissom. You can get your stuff tomorrow."

"Sara, Honey don't do this."

"I mean it Grissom, get out."

He looked at her and went to the door. Standing next to her, Grissom leaned into her and kissed her forehead. He whispered to her as he did.

"I love you, I always will. When you need me, I'll always be here for you."

Sara shut the door behind him and then stood behind it, sinking to the floor as she cried. After crying for a while, Sara went to her room and sat on the bed. She laid her head on what use to be his pillow, his scent was there and she began to cry again.

Next Night

Sara brought Grissom's bag with her to work, he pulled in as she did. Getting out she went to his car.

"I uh, I gathered your stuff."

"Sara, let's not let this affect work."

He took his bag and Sara shook her head and let a tear fall.

"I'm sorry I pushed you."

"It won't help Gil, things just...we both knew deep down it wasn't the perfect relationship we hoped for. That things weren't the fairy tale dream."

"I do love you."

"And I love you but we can't go back. I forgive you, I do. If I manage to bring the baby to term, I won't push you out of it's life. Hell, I'll even let you move back in so it will have two parents but things between us...won't be the same."

"Sara, Honey, if you ever need me..."

"We have each other's keys, I won't ask for it back but please call before you use it."

"I will, let's get in there."

Grissom turned to leave but Sara put a hand on his arm.

"Gil, I wanted to ask if you'd like to come to the first check up tomorrow with me?"

"What time?"

"Two in the afternoon."

"I can pick you up."

"Thank you."

Sara left while he placed his bag in his car, he had hoped they'd never come to this point but his love for her drove him that far. He was willing to give her up for her life.

The Next Week

Sara sat reading when she threw the magazine aside, the apartment was quiet again and she couldn't take it. A pain in her stomach made her realize the truth, he had been right.Falling off the couch Sara grabbed her stomach.

"Oh God."

She grabbed her cell and managed to hit her speed dial before passing out. Grissom answered the phone and could be heard.

"Hello, Sara? Sara Honey what's wrong?"

Silence from the phone was heard and so Sara laid there passed out, bleeding from her third miscarriage.

Ten Minutes Later

The pounding of Grissom could be heard and soon the door was opened. He found her between the coffee table and couch, her green pants covered in blood as she laid there.

"Oh God, Sara! Sara Honey look at me."

He placed a hand on her face and she didn't wake up as she always did when he touched her face. Picking her up, Grissom carried her to his car knowing every second counted when it came to Sara and miscarriages.

Car Ride

Sara woke to the motion of the car, turning she found Grissom driving.

"It happened didn't it? I should have listened to you and had an abortion."

"Sara don't go to sleep again, we're almost at the hospital."

"I'm sorry, I never meant to do this to us. We had our reasons and instead of talking calmly, we yelled and I broke up with you. I shouldn't have, God knows you've been there for me since the first time. All you do is help me and be there for me and I do the one thing we both never wanted to happen."

"We can fix it after we get you checked. No, Sara don't go to sleep."

Hospital

Grissom carried Sara into the ER, a nurse came over.

"What's going on?"

"Sara Sidle, she's had her third miscarriage. The first time she bled out and had two blood transfusions and the second she was nearly hospitalized. Large amount of blood lose."

"Bring her over here, get me an OB down here now."

"Responsive?"

"For about five minutes then she went back into this non-responsive state."

"This is her third, in what period of time?"

"Fourteen months. She was determined to continue this pregnancy even though her OB said to have an abortion the next time she became pregnant."

"And you're the father?"

"Yes, her boyfriend."

"I need you to fill out some paperwork while we get her situated."

"Sure."

"When was the last miscarriage?"

"April, the first was in October of last year."

"Are you trying to get pregnant?"

"No but Sara... she can't bare to let someone take the baby out of her. She said she'd prefer a miscarriage over an abortion."

"Well she may think different next time, that's if they don't preform a hysterectomy!"

That Night

With the excuse of Sara was having 'some issues' and he was taking care of them, Grissom stayed the night with Sara. She came to around at seven that night.

"Hi."

"Gil I'm sorry, I should have listened to you. Now I'm in the hospital, what did they say?"

"Dr. Hjana came by, she said that if it happens again, she'll schedule your hysterectomy the next day herself."

"I just wanted the baby, I have wanted everyone of them. I thought if I just was careful..."

"Sara, right now I want you well and back at home. Maybe we can think about children later but not now."

"Why do you do this? Just forget what I did to you, I threw you out, yelled, now I've put you in the same postion you were in two times before and yet you're still here."

"Someone I love once said 'If you love someone, you are there for them, good times and bad.' Besides, I know we both don't want to do this anymore. Being back in the postion we were in two years ago."

"I'm sorry."

"Honey I forgave you the night we broke up and I know that this was just a bump in the road. Now they can discharge you around seven tomorrow morning. I don't want you at work till thursday."

"Yes Boss!"

Grissom leaned in and kissed her forehead, looking into her eyes.

"I love you Sara and no matter what you do, I will never leave you again. I won't walk out that door without a fight, even if it takes half of PD to make me leave."

"Asshole! I love you too."

"I know, I was one."

"Damn straight, you shouldn't have given up in the first place."

"I learned not to."

"Did Dr. Hjana really say that?"

"Yes and I agree, don't do that again."

"I won't."

Post Leaving Las Vegas

Sara looked at him as he left, she hadn't told him she planned on the abortion of their fourth child. Being two weeks pregnant with the fourth child she concieved, she knew she had to do so. Wanting a child was on her mind but all they could do was either adoption or a surrogate. She had doubts of doing so, she had become pregnant and this time she was beginning birth control again.

Post Living Doll

Grissom stood when he saw Dr. Amila Hjana and her colluege Dr. Ana Justine.

"Dr. Hjana?"

"Hi Gil, I was just called. Your daughter is in the NICU."

"Sara isn't able to carry, she miscarries each time!"

"Apparently the past three miscarriages have allowed tissue to develop, Sara was twenty-three weeks. Your daughter is one pound and three ounces. As of now, she's touch and go, a ten to forty precent chance of survival."

"And Sara?"

"Few broken ribs, twisted ankle, the reason she was given an emergancy C-section was due to the baby's distress and possiblity of miscarriage. Who do you want to see first?"

"The baby."

Going to the NICU, Grissom cleaned his hands and put on scrubs. Dr. Hjana lead him to his daughter. He looked at the tiny newborn, she looked like a doll but wires were all over her. He smiled and looked at Hjana.

"Can I touch her foot?"

"Gently."

He touched her foot and in that instant knew the longing Sara had for a child was equal. Grissom looked at his daughter, his baby girl was laying before him, weak and in need by beautiful.

"Her name is Dante, Dante Hope Sidle-Grissom, it means 'everlasting hope'."

"Beautiful and meaningful name!"

"Can I see the photo that they always take at birth?"

"I had them take two, here's your's."

She handed him a picture of the newborn, he smiled knowing he could show Sara her dream of motherhood came true even if it was short lived.

"I'd like to see Sara now, is she concious?"

"Not for a while, she just had surgery."

"I maybe angry because she did this when she promised she wouldn't but the out come was worth it."

"I don't think Sara knew about Dante, if she had, she would have come to me. She hasn't seen me since her appointment for birth control."

"She's on birth control?"

"She...was!"

"She knew, she wouldn't have taken the birth control if she was pregnant. If you take birth control while pregnant, you miscarry."

"I need to get back to my office, congrats Daddy."

Next Morning

Sara woke to a hand on her head, she found Grissom smiling.

"Hey."

"I'm sorry!"

"About what Honey?"

"I lied, I went ahead with the resent pregnancy and now I miscarried again. I'm sorry, I lied. I just wanted the baby."

"Honey, I think once seeing Dante I forgave you."

"Gil?"

He showed her a picture of their daughter, Sara took it and then looked at him.

"She's one pound and three ounces, nine inches long. The doc says there's a ten to forty precent chance of survival, better then no chance at all. Her name is Dante Hope Sidle-Grissom, it means 'everlasting hope'. You're a mother Sara, she's alive right now in the NICU. The miscarriages allowed tissue to stay, twenty-three weeks gave her a living chance."

Sara began to cry, ignoring the fact her chest hurt like hell. She had her daughter and that's all she wanted.

Five years later, 2012

Sara sat on the porch watching her daughter run around the yard. Grissom was cooking in the kitchen, Dante stopped and went to Sara.

"Mom...Mo..Mommy..." 

"Let's get your inhaler, come on."

Being born months early was hard on Dante's lungs, she had asthuma but no other problems. Her learning abilities were actually above normal for a five year old. Sara had a son, three year old Gil Jr. and a four month old Shyloh Zoe. Shy caused problems so much that Sara had to have an emergancy hysterectomy. They found that their three kids were a blessing even with the past. Marrying once Dante was six months old, Grissom vowed that he'd never leave Sara by no means possible except by death.

"Everything okay?"

"Asthuma, she just needs her inhaler."

"Maybe she shouldn't run around so much."

Sara starred at her husband when he said that, going to the cabinet holding Dante's inhaler, Sara helpped her daughter take it.

"Breathe in and hold it, okay now?"

The five year old shook her head.

"Daddy's right, don't run so much. Why don't you get some computer time, go on."

Dante made her way to the computer in the corner of the living room, Sara looked at him.

"Gil!"

"Just a suggestion Honey, I try to look out for our daughter as well."

"I know."

Smiling the 'Sidle' smile, Sara turned when her son came over, asking to be picked up. Sara knew that her calling was not just forensics but being a mother. Loosing three children allowed her to have three more and loosing her husband for a week gave him to her for five plus years. She was content now finally.


End file.
